I Am Not A “Nice Guy”

When did the phrase “I’m a nice guy” become the next “I’m not racist but ___.” It seems like nowadays anytime a guy,  especially online, says that he is a nice guy,  it is followed by him proving that he is not actually a nice guy. 

C’mon, the first sentence in his post says “before you reject the nice guy, or friend zone a guy BECAUSE HE ISN’T YOUR TYPE. ”  

Sorry, what?!

When did people start dating people they weren’t attracted to just for the sake of doing it? Of course,  you can be emotionally attracted to someone you aren’t physically attracted to, but that’s not what this is saying.  This is saying date someone just because they are nice, not because they are smart, or funny, or charming, or because there is deep and true friendship — no, do it because they are nice.

Nice is such a one-dimensional thing, yet there is so much to it. It’s generic and complex. You can describe a wall,  a flower, a piece of art, a gesture,  and a person as nice, yet every single person may understand it differently.  The classic joke is that when a girl describes her friend as “nice,” it usually means that she’s not pretty.  When a guy describes his friend as nice,  it usually means he is shy and/or nerdy. When I say “nice,”  it’s usually my generic way of saying “cool” or “that’s okay.” It is bland acceptance.  When I say a person is nice,  they are, but it says absolutely nothing about their value on the dating market. 

The default, bare minimum should be nice. If it’s true, then it should go without saying. No one wants to date a jerk. If you started your profile with that,  you would remain justifiably alone.  So what does “nice” tell me about you?  Nothing.  If anything, it tells me that you have nothing else to offer. 

Maybe your version of “nice,” just isn’t. Maybe you are a spiteful, judgemental, egotistical person who can’t imagine anyone being happy without you. Why would you want your “dream girl” to be miserable? On what criteria are you choosing this dream girl that her happiness means so little to you? Why is your  “nice” contingent on her wanting you? Maybe that’s why she didn’t want you.  Maybe she saw you for the petty chauvinist that you really are.  Maybe she knew that you weren’t really nice, that you were mean and empty,  and you didn’t value her as a person, that you would trade her in for a younger woman as soon as you lost your fascination with her looks. Why doesn’t your dream girl have a personality? And, what about you makes you worthy of her? 

You’ll hear a lot of guys talking about how some random attractive girl doesn’t go for nice guys like them, and they will sit and fabricate a terrible personality to go with this random person that they want,  but in reality her looks are the only thing they care about.  People are hypocrites even in their fantasies. Do you even know her? Have you even ever spoken? Are you even friends? 

Are you sure? 

There is no friend zone. She’s just your friend.  Grow up.  

I won’t pretend that I have never been that “nice guy. ” I had a near-identical conversion once with a girl I did eventually date, and that ended with us both looking for other people at different times during the relationship. Turned out that I only wanted her because I thought I should, but when it got down to it,  we weren’t actually compatible.  I complained that women didn’t want “nice guys” like me. I sat by all butthurt that girls I liked went for other guys, I didn’t look at myself. Then, I grew up. I lived my life, had adventures,  became more confident, and, suddenly (not), women became more interested in me.  It was a matter of time and character development. 

That’s it.

I stopped being a nice guy. I stopped resting on my being nice as my sole value, because, again, that should be a given with most people. I became a funny-ish guy with great stories and a couple dance moves that liked to write. I am far from perfect. I’m definitely not the most attractive guy in the room, but I have something to bring to the table. I stopped worrying about all of the people who didn’t want me and focused on just being me, and the rest fell into place.  

Stop being nice, be more.  

Just stop being this guy: 


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